wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants