Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What kind of a cult is this?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing