Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Cannot stop laughing at this
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.