Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
How to woo a woman
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Fight
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes