Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You Might Also Like
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
We’ve all been there
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering