Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
You Might Also Like
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?