Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of lisaxy424's best tweets

@lisaxy424 : [someone breaks into the house] Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@lisaxy424: my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@lisaxy424: Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@lisaxy424: Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@lisaxy424: hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are...are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you're going to puke

@lisaxy424: Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I'm a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

@lisaxy424: Me: i've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What's your secret?
Me: be fat first

@lisaxy424: 20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

@lisaxy424: First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i'm so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

@lisaxy424: [me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid...