@lisaxy424: Just noticed there's no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
@lisaxy424: Listen jogger, I'm eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
@lisaxy424: [a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
@lisaxy424: Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
@lisaxy424: Me: I'd kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I'd rather kill
@lisaxy424: No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.