I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
@funTweeters
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up