Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.