ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going