911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker