Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Just this preview of the story is enough
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy