Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of living_marble's best tweets

@living_marble : Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It's an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?

@living_marble: MEN: we're gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don't understand, those were threats

@living_marble: Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

@living_marble: Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well... Hey!

@living_marble: Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@living_marble: Technically, it's only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

@living_marble: One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@living_marble: Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.