Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Breaking news:
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”