3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.