Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The funk soul brother
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes