Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference