[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I falcon love using swear birds
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”