Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of lmwortho's best tweets

@lmwortho : You: I’m so hard on myself. People on the internet: Hold my beer.

@lmwortho: *stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

@lmwortho: I'd run away but I've got too many clothes.

@lmwortho: I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

@lmwortho: I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.