[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait