[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I hate everything
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”