Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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I hate when that happens.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’