Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans