ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.