Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.