@longwall26: Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
@longwall26: *tops off beautiful woman's wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
@longwall26: People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
@longwall26: The Lord alone--not science--will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
@longwall26: If you name a baby "Steve" you get to spend all day, like, "Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat."
@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
@longwall26: *Paul Ryan watches a children's hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
@longwall26: Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
@longwall26: Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.