Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of longwall26's best tweets

@longwall26 : Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom's worried glances.

@longwall26: To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I've eaten all those too.

@longwall26: *refills beautiful woman's wine glass* haha I feel like I've been talking about corn dogs--and my love of corn dogs--all night

@longwall26: Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

@longwall26: *tops off beautiful woman's wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

@longwall26: People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

@longwall26: The Lord alone--not science--will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

@longwall26: If you name a baby "Steve" you get to spend all day, like, "Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat."

@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

@longwall26: *Paul Ryan watches a children's hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light