Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of longwall26's best tweets

@longwall26 : If you name a baby "Steve" you get to spend all day, like, "Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat."

@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

@longwall26: *Paul Ryan watches a children's hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@longwall26: Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@longwall26: Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@longwall26: Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we'll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@longwall26: Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@longwall26: Son, we don't play Hungry Hungry Hippos for "fun." We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

@longwall26: Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you