One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
never deleting this app.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.