Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please