I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land