Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?