10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.