Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?