me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Feel. He’s so soft.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Go hard or stay average
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does