Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
what?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin