When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.