Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss