*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words