Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Optional boss fight.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.