Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Kids, do not try this at home!
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no