My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN