*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet