My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back