Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.