The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”