Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of maebemarbles's best tweets

@maebemarbles : Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@maebemarbles: Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

@maebemarbles: "Ugh, it's so dark!" *shivers* "And cold! Why is it so huge? It's, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!"
- Larry, the worst astronaut

@maebemarbles: I'd like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@maebemarbles: *holds flashlight under chin*
"...and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!"
*everyone screams in horror*

@maebemarbles: *crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

@maebemarbles: Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@maebemarbles: *grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*

@maebemarbles: *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
"Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne."
*Santa grows very pale*

@maebemarbles: Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.