I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Rooting for the overdog
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.