Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct