In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t