We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
The Assassin.
Check out the legs on this baby
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Not😆🤣
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that