Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
and now we wait
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.